Multiple Personalities

When I was growing up, I often heard adults throw out the old adage that "people change." I never quite understood what they meant, nor did I ever fathom that I would ever be one of those people. Yet I am.

I am not the same person I was a year ago or the person I was 2 years ago when I entered law school. And I'm not even close to the person I was when I was 18. It took me about 25 years to finally be able to say "this is me" and accept that for myself.

My whole life I've typically been a quiet, blend into a crowd, only speaks when spoken to type of girl. I think a lot of this stems in part from shyness, but also from my fear of saying something stupid. If you haven't noticed by now, I tend to be a bit sarcastic, and sometimes my sarcasm is interpreted the wrong way. I'm one of those people that after something has left my mouth I can obsess about it for months or years. What could be a passing comment to someone else may stick in the back of my mind and come to the forefront any time I start thinking about the dumb and stupid things I've done in life. So to pre-empt this worry, I simply don't speak at all. Cause if I don't say anything at all, I'm less likely to say something stupid. Which sounds moronic to say out loud, but makes perfect, rational sense when in the situation.

But I'm getting better at it and better at speaking my mind. My friends have called it "coming out of my shell" though I think of it more like "coming into myself." And I have my friends to thank for that. Because I honestly believe that portions of my personality directly reflect the influence of certain people. They are all too many to name but they know who they are anyway.

I think Kelly P and Amanda would prefer that I always just say what I'm thinking, though if I did that I'd never sleep because I'd be up cataloguing all the ways I probably offended someone or embarrassed myself. Instead I blog. Because the blog has a backspace button and an edit/delete function that real life is lacking.

[The quietness is actually only a part of my overall tranformation, but for the sake of space and sanity, I won't get into how I've also changed spiritually, theologically, philosophically, and attitudinally. You'll just have to trust me on that.]

This blog is actually a better reflection of the true me than most things in my life. Although I'm not the same person I was in high school, I revert back to that person when I'm around high school friends. Because my subconscious thinks that's what they expect of me. And the same with my family and church folk. I've become an expert at being the person they expect/want me to be. It's odd to me to think that all these people don't really know me, they just think they do.

For anyone who was wondering "Are you as ____ in person as you are on the blog?" Chances are, no. But I'm getting closer.