FTQ's

I've been meaning to do a Frequently Asked Questions post for a while now. Only no one ever really asks these questions, so I'm calling it the Frequently Thought Questions instead. If anything you've ever pondered isn't included in this list, let me know and I will promptly add it to the list if I deem it worthy.

Where did the name "Waiting for the Punchline" come from?
Back in college, I told my roommate that if I ever wrote a book, I'd make it an autobiography and title it "Waiting for the Punchline" because my life was/is so boring and stagnant that it seems like God was playing a joke and the punchline was coming. And I'm still waiting for it. Apparently there's a band or an album out there by the same name, but that is not what inspired the name. Also, any claims by my roommate that she copyrighted the title are false since we law school students know it's a trademark, not copyrightable, and since I put it to use first, it's all mine.

Why do you call your town 'the Jesus Town'?
Since I live in such a small town and have been known to have stalkers fans in the past, I try to be a little secretive about some things. Anyone in possession of an IU-Indy issued stalker book could easily find me, though I can assure them that there really is nothing to see here and wouldn't be worth your trip. The 'Jesus Town' name came via Kelly P. I was raised in a very conservative, religious household, which she dubbed the Jesus House. It caught on, and I just started applying the Jesus adjective to anything in my life. [The Jesus Town, the Jesus Family, the Jesus Church, etc.] And yes, I still am very religious, but not always to the same extent as I was raised.

Why do you still live with your parents?
After I graduated college, I lived in the 'big city' for 2 years and decided my life had too little conflict, so to add more stress to my life, I moved home. And it doesn't hurt that I save money and don't have to pay rent, groceries, etc. But there are always pros and cons to living at home. For a while, my dad was making my lunch for me every morning before I left for school. Then he un-retired himself and left me to my own lunch-making duties and he moved from the pro to the con list. And my parents have a hot tub, which counters about 10 things on the con side.

Why don't you give your parents the address of this blog?
[Note: the FTQs were written prior to my parents knowing of the blog. They now visit frequently and even guest post. But since this was an original FTQ, I'm leaving the response in the archives for posterity's sake.] Re-read the Jesus Town answer and consider that my mother did a search for "christian blogs" the other day and was offended that some of the blogs used 'bad language'. I prefer to be able to speak freely and not censor my topics or phrasings because I know my mommy's reading it. Plus, my parents are the overly-involved type that every post would have to be disected and discussed in depth to determine whether I was being sarcastic or serious, and I just don't want to go through that. Out of respect for my mother's request, I have tried to refrain from posting anecdotes about their lives that they may find embarrassing. But I do enjoy that it bugs her that "strangers" get to read my blog but she can't.

Why has your blog sucked lately?
Well, I can't ever pinpoint a time when my blog didn't suck. But after reviewing old posts, I think it's definitely gone down in quality. Part of this is because of the aforementioned resolution to talk about my parents less, and part of it is that I'm uninspired. I often think of things to write, but then forget about them till days later, and by that time they are neither funny nor interesting, so I don't post. And the forecast predicts more uninspired and boring posts in the future. I apologize in advance.

Will you marry me?
Please take the following quiz and mark all statements that apply to you:

__ I am currently not married.
__ I am male.
__ I am not on the sex offender registry in any state.
__ I have a net worth that rivals that of Bill Gates.
__ I believe that 'Sports Night' was one of the best shows ever on television.
__ I believe that 'Seinfeld' was one of the worst and most annoying shows ever on television.
__ I have seen 'Hoosiers' at least a dozen times.
__ I look good in a baseball hat.
__ I believe that in any argument (1) the woman is always right, or (2) the woman should be allowed to believe she is always right.
__ I am Matt Damon.

Scoring:
10 The wedding is tomorrow.
8 to 9 Maybe after a long engagement.
6 to 7 Maybe after a lot of alcohol.
4 to 5 It's not looking good.
<4 No.

Anniversaries and Stigmas

My parents celebrated their 32nd anniversary last week but were too busy with holiday obligations to really celebrate. At one point my mom asked me what possessed her to get married 2 days before Christmas. I, of course, had no answer for why she'd decided that having her birthday, Christmas, my birthday, and New Year's all within 2 weeks wasn't enough and she needed to throw her anniversary in there. [To her credit, she didn't know at the time that my birthday would fall in there.] But all of her major holidays are covered in 7 days. And then it's another full year until celebration time again.

But back to their anniversary. My parents met on a blind date in May, lived in 2 different states and barely saw each other, and then were married in December. My brother felt the need to point this out over Christmas and claim that it was foolish and risky to get married so soon. To which my mother, in a little bit of Heidi-like sarcasm, agreed and said they'd have to give it a few more years to see if it worked out.

A few years ago, I came to the realization that my parents have been together for longer than they ever were single. And that is scary. Don't get me wrong, I assume I will one day have the wedding, the kids, and the white picket fence. But the thought of 32 years is weirding me out now.

I recently saw the engagement announcement of a childhood friend in the local paper, and I may now officially be the only person in my graduating class who isn't married. [I am really not kidding on this one.] I'm not complaining or lamenting since in no way, shape, or form do I consider myself old enough to be married. I enjoy my freedom too much. But in Jesus Town, and other rural, small towns, most kids are married by age 22 and have kids by 23. [Actually, about a dozen in my graduating class now have 10 year olds via the former ranking as county with the highest teenage pregnancy rate in the nation.] And being 27 and single in a small town carries such a stigma. People assume you're either (1) gay, (2) a hooker, or (3) married to Jesus. I'm thinking of becoming #2 to fit the profile and make a little cash on the side. My parents have been asking me to get a part time job.

Once upon a time...

In a land far, far away...
A long, long time ago...
On this day...

I entered the world.

Happy Birthday Me.

*Some artistic license has been taken in the re-telling of this momentous event to disguise the true location of birth and age of the birthday girl.

Bye Bye Baby

My brother, aka the baby of the family, officially moved out today. While this wasn't his first moving out (he did live away for 2 years of college), it was a more permanent move. The parents seem to be handling the difficult transition period well, but I believe this is mostly derivative of their belief that he'll probably be back. He moved to a rural town about 2 hours from here to live with a friend and hopefully become a police officer there. He's endured the whole interview process, but my feeling is that he's not going to land a job over rural town natives, and alas will be stuck cooking at a pizza restaurant to make money. But he's reached his ultimate goal of moving away from the family and graduating college. I guess to each his own.

On the plus side, I'm left holding down the Jesus House on my own. I don't have to fight him for internet time, and he was forced to clean the upstairs bathroom (which incidentally was mine but I could never use for all his filth). I now don't have to trek downstairs for my nightly 3 a.m. bathroom appointment. Thank heavens for small blessings.

All I want for Christmas

I had a wonderful Christmas as I'm hoping everyone else did as well. Not really much to report on that front, as was pretty uneventful and charming. I did, however, receive my fair share of odd presents. I'll only share my favorite. My sister and brother in law bought me a year subscription (I assume that's what it's called) to Air Evac. Air Evac is the emergency helicopter service that serves rural Indiana. The subscription ensures that if ever I'm in an accident and need to be lifelined to a good hospital (i.e. not the Jesus Town one), I won't have to pay because I'm a member. Nothing quite says Christmas like pre-emptive medical care.

Christmas with the Fam

We had our family Christmas earlier tonight, and it was a fiasco as always. Never know who's feuding with who, but it's easy to tell about 10 minutes in. And then you have to swoop in for the gossip. Unfortunately, this gathering was mostly gossip free.

One family tradition is that my grandfather hands out money on Thanksgiving (in varying amounts which correspond to relation), and we are to buy our own presents. Of course, we then have to wrap our own presents and bring them to the party, where we unwrap them, feign surprise, and thank him for knowing exactly what we wanted. It's only half as exciting as it sounds.

Then we move on to the depressing part of the evening. Every year, my mother buys my grandfather a calendar, which we pass around and put in everyone's birthdays and anniversaries, as well as what age we will be. So I of course have to fill in that I'm going to be 28, even though I'm still 10 days away from turning 27. It's killer.

I thought blogging would be easier now that I'm finished for the semester, but since I'm not on the computer for hours a day, it's not as accessible. Though I promise the gift-wrapping post is coming soon.

Shopping Tales

Went to Barnes and Noble the other day to buy a book. It listed on their online store at $36, and when I found it rather easily in the real store, I headed straight to the checkout. Where it promptly rang up at over $50. I did the embarrassing thing of telling the guy that I didn't want it if it were that much, and then explaining that it listed online for cheaper. And he was just like, yeah it does that sometimes. So I'll be filing away the fact that the store is selling the book for $15 more if you buy it in person than if you buy it via internet. I'd prefer internet shopping anyway.

I then went to JCPenney, where the lady in front of me was buying about 25 items of children's clothing. And each one had to be taken off of it's hanger and folded before the cashier would ring them up. About every 5th item, the woman would look at and decide she didn't want. She then informed the cashier that she needed an individual gift receipt for every item. By this point there were at least a dozen people in line behind me, and her order hadn't even been started. The cashier convinced her that rather than ring up and pay for every item separately, they could do them all together and then print off multiple gift receipts. So I waited as they did that, and then the 25 gift receipts printed off one by one. I'm not exaggerating when I say it took over 15 minutes to check this woman out.

Then when it was my turn, I walk up, put my 2 shirts on the counter, and she starts ringing them up. The lady behind me in line walks up and stands next to me and puts her purse down on the counter next to my stuff. She then proceeds to talk loudly to her friend in another line, while to the observer it would look like she and I were together. Anyone knowing my personal space issues can just imagine how uncomfortable I was, especially when she was so close, the cashier almost gave my credit card back to her thinking it was me. When I went to sign the receipt, I had to move the lady's stuff over so that I could have room to write. Under normal circumstances, I probably would have said something about how rude she was being, but this was the female version of Refrigerator Perry, only more obnoxious and overbearing, and I was hoping to get out of there with my life. Whatever happened to common courtesy?

Happy 19th Birthday Chuck!!

el Fin

I just finished my second and last final and am officially done for the semester. We won't dwell on the fact that one of the finals kicked my ass up one side and down the other. That point is not important. The important thing is that I'm done.

And in the spirit of sharing, I thought I'd give my best tip for taking exams. While it's not nearly as constructive as the ones Kelly posted over at Sapere Aude, I find it highly effective. When I start panicking that I'm going to fail an exam, I look around the room and pick out 10 people who I know are dumber than me or will do worse on the exam. Then I figure, worst case scenario, there's no way the professor would fail more than 10 people in the class, so I'm safe. It really boosts morale, you should try it sometime.

Yes, I realize that this is a really bitchy way of thinking, but this is a cutthroat environment and I take any advantage I can. And it's not like I tell these people to their face that they're one of my 10.

26 to 85 in 3 seconds

I took a message the other day from my mom's doctor, then I called her to tell her she needed to call them. So she did, and then called me back. When she spoke to the nurse the nurse informed her that she had spoken with her mother at home and left a message.

First time, and last I hope, that I've ever been mistaken for my grandmother.

5 Confessions

1. I always read the last few pages of a book before I'm even halfway through. I can't take the suspense.
2. I hate marshmallows and jelly beans.
3. I judge every book by its cover. I've been known to buy a CD simply because I like the cover design.
4. I always thought I'd get married when I was 26. Since I will only be 26 for 23 days, it's not likely to happen.
5. I'm allergic to steel and cardboard.

Oh the Injustice

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much recently, but I'm just so distraught over the bankrupt former Conseco people having to move from their 25 million dollar house to a measly 2.5 million dollar house. I've been crying myself to sleep over it every night. I mean, really, if someone told me that I had to live in a 2.5 million dollar house, my life would be practically over. Do we really expect them to live in something so substandard? Life is just so unfair.